每个故事都有自己的星光 = Every Story Has Its Own Glimmer

2    后来因为要回去念小学，爸妈来接我回家。听大人们说，离开那天，我哭闹了很久，后是外婆抱着我哄了很久，我才依依不舍地跟爸妈上了车。外婆当时伏在我耳边说的那句话是：“你回去好好念书，等将来找份好工作，就把外婆接到城里去享福。”    现在想来，那不过是外婆“骗”我离开的一句玩笑话，但这些年，那句话却在我心里深深扎了根。我甚至总是天真地觉得，只要我一直努力念书，将来找一份好工作，外婆就能来跟我团聚了。所以从小学开始，我便一直努力念书。每次考完试，我都会给外婆打电话，听到电话那头传来她的爽朗笑声，我便会觉得很幸福。上学以后，爸妈允许我每年寒暑假去外婆家住几天，于是掰着指头数着寒暑假的到来便成了我繁忙的课业之余重要的事。这些年，随着我看她的头发变得越来越花白稀少，她的背越来越驼，而我渐渐长大，有了生死的概念之后，开始莫名害怕哪一天会被人生的一个浪头骤然打过来——永远失去她。    那种害怕次变得具体而深刻是在我上初二那年。上课时，妈妈忽然一脸沉重地到教室来接我，说外婆突发急性哮喘病了，正在医院抢救。    我至今仍清醒地记得，汽车停在医院的门口后，我从车上下来后，就往住院楼快速跑去，一张张陌生的面孔在我眼前闪过，我麻木地喊着“借过”，全部的心思都在外婆身上。    庆幸的是，因为抢救及时，外婆并无大碍。她出院那天，我抱着她撒娇，要她留下来陪我几天，但她不过是陪着一家人匆匆吃了顿团圆饭，便让爸爸把她送回去了，她说家里的鸡还等着她喂，她走不开。    妈妈说外婆总是这样，从年轻时便格外要强，一生勤苦惯了，他们这些做儿女的早就商量着把她接到城里享福，但她总是不肯。他们知道她是舍不得那个生活了几十年的小院子，住在那里让她觉得踏实心安，总觉得根还在，那些细枝末节的回忆也便都还在。    后来年龄渐长，我愈发能体谅外婆的心意与坚持，每年我依旧会回去住一段日子陪她，但却鲜少再向她提及要她来城里陪我们的请求。这些年，外婆的那个小院子好像一直没有什么大的变化，夏天一片葱郁，冬天安静秀美，好像只要一踏进那方小天地，便觉得幼时那个奔跑的疯丫头又回来了，让我格外舒服与自在。
3    去外地上大学前，我去了一趟外婆家。那几天，她顿顿给我煮土鸡蛋，并细心地为我剥好，耐心地看着我吃完，说：“多吃点，去了外地就吃不到这么正宗的土鸡蛋了。”望着她干瘦的手和愈发苍老的脸，我忽然一时语塞，埋头往嘴里塞着鸡蛋，眼泪便簌簌地掉下来。    她见不得我哭，小时候我每次哭闹，她不管多忙都会把我抱到怀里认真哄我，长大之后我极少在她面前哭，所以我那次落泪，她格外局促不安，后把我拥进了怀里。那年，18岁的我已经是个大姑娘了，足足比她高出半个头，可我却依旧如儿时一样贪恋她怀抱里的温柔。    大学里，我跟闺密走南闯北去过一些地方，每到一个地方，我都会给外婆写一张明信片，但我从未寄出过，它们都被我整齐地放在收纳盒里。之所以这样做，是因为识字之后，我总是觉得外婆的父母给她取名“齐秀川”，一定对她寄予了一种美好的愿景，他们可能希望她有机会能将祖国的秀美河川走遍。只可惜，外婆这一生都生活在那座小城，甚至可以说一生都被那个小院子给困住。我想成为她的眼睛，成为她的腿，替她将这大好河山走遍，再将从四处采撷回去的美景和感受跟她分享。
4    大学毕业将工作签在外地后，我又特意回去看了她一趟，可能因为年纪真的大了，她的身体愈发瘦削，听力也退化得十分严重，双眼开始染上一层混沌与风霜。很多时候，我都得努力扯着嗓子跟她大声讲话，她才勉强听得清。    那一刻，我忽然有点难过，这些年我努力像藤蔓一样不知疲倦地往上攀爬，不敢落后，永远想成为人群里秀的那个，我如愿考进北京的名校，如愿签了人人羡慕的工作，留在了大城市，可我却离我爱的那个外婆越来越远了。    我知道，从今以后，对于这个小院子来说，我只是一个远走的背影，寒来暑往，能回来的次数几乎掰着指头就能数过来。离开的那天，我伏在外婆肩头撒娇地说了一句“跟我走吧”，我声音不大，但她却听清楚了，我看到她脸上的皱纹笑得舒展，她拍了拍我的肩，说：“你能去大城市工作，外婆很高兴。外婆老了，哪儿也不想去，就守着这个小院子，等你们放假回来看看我。”后来，我一个人在异乡打拼，在很多孤单的时刻，我总是很怀念外婆那温暖的臂弯。但我知道，不论我走得再远，飞得再高，她永远都在身后关注着我。我会努力活得丰盛，让她知道当年她疼爱的那个小姑娘长大了。余生漫漫，今后换我来给她庇护与温暖。
 The Further I Went, 

The More I Longed for Your Arms

Chen Xiaoai1

My first impression of Qi Xiuchuan started in summer  when I was four years old. Because my parents were too busy they sent me to live in her small courtyard.For as long as I could remember my first knowledge of the world came from her gourd stems, carobs and chicken all over her walls and yards. A day went so fast as I followed her skinny body working from morning to night.Qi Xiuchuan was my grandma and the characters in her name were the first few words that I recognized besides my own. At dusk every day she would break a branch and teach me how to write on the ground.Grandma had seven children. Maybe it was because my mom was her youngest one as well as her favorite one, she poured extra love and care on me. My grandpa passed away at early age. After all her children grew up and left home, grandma started to live by herself in that small yard. For all these years she has become a loner of life after walking alone in harsh time. My arrival has brought vitality to this quiet small yard and joy to her face.Since childhood my parents were very strict with me and never allowed me to waste money on snacks or toys. But every time I visited grandma she would try to satisfy my requirements with candy and small toy. In my heart I always thought that grandma must be a fairy because she would buy me whatever I liked without hesitation.Now as I recalled, the two years I lived with grandma was the happiest time I have spent. When my peers were locked at home and staring blankly out of the window, I was walking with my grandma hand in hand starting from the small yard to the riverbank the mountains close by. With the chirping of cicadas and singing of birds, I slowly began to perceive pure joy. That period of time was so soft that I always dreamed of me running around in the green land with my grandma right beside  me holding hands together.
2Later my parents took me back home for primary school. They said I cried and cried. In the end grandma comforted me in her arms and I reluctantly got in my parents’ car. Grandma whispered to my ear and said, “Go back there and study. When you find a good job you can take grandma to live in the city.”Now as I recalled it was just a joke grandma has lied to cheat me into leaving. But those words have been embedded in my heart for all the time. Sometimes I thought naively that as long as I worked hard at school and found a good job, grandma could come and reunite with me. So since primary school I have been working hard at school and every time I finished an exam I would call grandma immediately. I was so happy when I heard her laughter from the other end of the phone. Parents allowed me to spend a few days at grandma’s during every school vacation. So counting the date of school vacations has become the most important thing for me besides my busy schoolwork. I have witnessed her hair grow grey and thin over the years and her back bend lower and lower. As I grew up I started to learn life and death and began to feel an unknown fear that an abrupt wave would hit my life one day – I would lose her forever.The fear became real and deep for the first time when I was in my second year of junior high. Mom came to my class to pick me up with a serious face and told me that grandma was in hospital for an abrupt acute asthma.I could clearly remember that once our car parked in front of the hospital, I jumped off and ran towards the inpatient building. As I passed by numerous strangers’ face insensibly I kept on mumbling “excuse me” in my mouth with all my heart focused on grandma.Fortunately grandma recovered well after fine treatment. During the day she was discharged from hospital, I held her in my arms and asked her to stay with me for a few days pettishly. However after a hasty family meal she asked my father to send her home because the chickens were waiting for her back there. Mom said grandma was always like this. She had a strong character when she was young and she was used to hardship. Her children have discussed to bring her to live in city a long time ago but she always refused. They knew she was reluctant to leave the small yard where she has lived for decades. All the trivial memories were there in the house with her peaceful mind. There was the root.As I grew older I began to understand her heart and her persistence. Every year I would still visit her for a while but I rarely brought up the request to ask her to live in city with us again. Through all these years it seemed that nothing has changed in the small yard. The summer was always lush and green while the winter was tranquil and gorgeous. Every time I stepped into the small piece of land, it made me feel especially comfortable as if the naughty little girl was running back towards me after all these years.
3I visited grandma before I set off for college. She would cook native eggs for me every meal for those days. She would carefully unpeel the egg and watch me finish it patiently. “Have more please. You can not find this traditional native egg anywhere else，”she said. Looking at her withered hands and aged face, I lost my words and kept on shoveling eggs in my mouth with tears falling down my cheeks.She couldn’t bear me crying. When I was little no matter how busy she was, as long as I cried she would hold me in her arms and cheer me up. After I grew up I seldom shed tears in front of her. Thus that time I cried she would be so anxious and would hug me in the end. That year I was an eighteen-year-old big girl who topped her half a head. However I felt like the same as when I was little and enjoyed the soft warmth in her arms.During college I have travelled around with my friend. Wherever I went I would write a postcard for my grandma. But I never posted them only to keep them neatly in my collection box. After I learned how to read I always thought that grandma’s name“Qi Xiuchuan”must carry a beautiful blessing by her parents. Probably they hoped she could have the chance to witness the gorgeous scenery around China. Unfortunately grandma has spent her lifetime in this small town. In other words she has been trapped in this small yard. Thus I wanted to be eyes and legs to share all the beautiful scenery and feelings with her. 
4After graduation I started working in another city. I specially paid a visit to her. Maybe it was because of her age, her leaner body, her severely degraded hearing and her blurry eyes. She barely heard me even if I tried to yell with my lungs out.Suddenly I felt so depressed for that moment. For all these years I strived hard tirelessly to become the most outstanding one in the crowd. I entered a famous college in Beijing and signed a contract to work in the big city as others envied. But I have left my beloved grandma even further behind.I knew since then I would only become a shadow to this small yard. The number of times in years I could visit her could be counted with fingers.On the day I left I put my head on grandma’s shoulder and whispered pettishly, “Follow me”.This time she heard me clearly and I could see her wrinkles unfolded with a smile. She patted me on the shoulder and said, “Grandma is so proud of you that you can work in the big city. Grandma is old now. I can go nowhere. So I will just stay in the small yard and wait for you guys to visit me when you have breaks.”Later when I was working hard in foreign city and found myself helpless and unable to keep up, I always missed grandma’s warm hugs. But I knew she would always watch my back no matter how far I went. I would try to live a fruitful life to let her know that the little girl she loved has grown up. From now on it was my turn to protect her and give her warmth.